This is the first of a series of three Whatif Wednesday Thought Letters on unlocking your better leader.

Time to Read: 3 min.

Life is busy. We just don’t get enough time for introspection. For some, it comes naturally but for most of us it takes a conscious effort to step back and reflect on the world around us, how it’s affecting us, and how we are affecting it. Reflective thinking is crucial to unlocking a better version of ourselves. It’s a source of growth.

There are three big questions I encourage leaders to reflect on. We’ll cover the first question this week and the next two in subsequent weeks.

The first question is, “Who am I and who do I want to be”? While it’s a big life question, let’s look at it in a leadership context. Our leadership identity has been shaped by our education, experiences, and examples. Our education was based on learning facts, data, and applying critical thinking to produce answers. Over time, experience helped us get better at synthesizing to provide better answers more consistently. We also look to those who have succeeded in the past as examples, reference points, and validation of what good looks like. Education and training centers on developing credibility and reliability so that we can consistently provide customers, clients, leaders, and investors answers. But is that enough?

Consider the trustworthiness equation from the book, The Trusted Advisor, by Maister, Galford, and Green.

Trustworthiness = Credibility + Reliability + Intimacy / Self-Orientation

Credibility is your competence and how well you know your subject matter. Reliability is applying it consistently over time. Intimacy is how well others feel you know them, their agenda, and their context. Are you empathetic to what they are experiencing? Do they feel safe with you? Self-Orientation is whose tension or interests you are focused on. Theirs or yours? The authors show self-orientation as a denominator: the higher it gets, the more dilutive it becomes.

Here’s the big insight. Organizations build for credibility and reliability, but people make decisions based on intimacy and self-orientation. In dozens of CXO conversations, I consistently hear that C and R are table-stakes with I and SO being the differentiators. In other words, competence and consistency are prerequisite expectations. It’s also how well you know someone’s operating environment, organizational culture, and their agendas combined with who you focus on that creates trustworthiness. As one CEO told me, “I can tell within five minutes of meeting someone who they are showing up for”. If you’re there because you have a product to sell or an idea to pitch that serves your agenda, it’s not lost on them.

So, who are you and who do you want to be? The credible and reliable person who has answers. Or the leader who embodies the full equation and earns others trust. What if you shifted your mindset from being the smartest person in the room to being the most trusted person in the room? How might that change the way people perceive you and engage with you?

As you reflect on your current leadership style, ask yourself how others perceive and interact with you. What small step could you take today to develop more intimacy and lower your self-orientation? If you do, you will find that people will see you in a more positive light and respond to you differently.

Next week I’ll cover the key to unlocking higher levels of intimacy and lowering self-orientation.